From my tiny human perspective, a “tidy procrastinating mess” was the best description I could give myself on certain days. Being a compulsive perfectionist who wanted nothing more than to get on with what God had called me to do, I also pictured myself completing the task to the absolute best of my ability. Focusing this way, I began to grow weary in my present state. Simply said, Satan was attempting to make me believe this stage was a very stagnant place to reside, so I was tempted to become anxious and to engage myself in larger things…looking at schooling, conferences, speaking engagements, directing music again, teaching, busying myself, etc. You know, “serving.”
“What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?” ~Romans 8:31
Satan made me feel as though I was about to run a race yet I was left on the track perched in a holding pattern. ”On your mark, get set,” and where was the loud “go” in the form of a starter pistol? The gun wouldn’t fire and start the race! But not only was I prepared to run this race; I also knew that I would win victoriously if I could just take off! After all, God was not only my Trainer and my Coach. He was my Physical Therapist, my Mental Therapist, my Source of Energy, my Total Concentration, and along with my foundation of faith in Him, He would lead me on to a vast victory in His name and for His glory!
“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” ~Isaiah 40:30-31
What am I talking about? Well, I’m certainly not talking about saying “no” to God’s call ever again. I’m talking about seeing things from a worldly viewpoint versus God’s view. Sometimes the Holy Spirit intentionally causes us to pause, to halt or detour and yes, to wait. It is even then when our well-intentioned friends, family and self urges us to take that next step and get on with it, through a worldly perception of our gifts in regard to God’s calling, that we must WAIT! Then Satan attempts to cause confusion and a question as to where we are and what we’re doing. And yes, I’m talking about my perfectionist-type character of organization and prioritization being all wet in this respect and I’m also talking about seeing and placing God’s perspective foremost in our mind's eye thereby having a clear understanding of His calling. Sometimes He just wants to walk with us, to talk with us and sometimes He wants us to be totally still. I’m talking about praying without ceasing and listening intently to Him and clearly understanding His call...DAILY. And yes, I’m also talking about waiting on Him, for He not only supplies every breath we breathe, He guides us in every step we take or don’t take, but ONLY if we will consciously wait on His instruction and follow Him that closely. I continually pray, I listen and I do desire to serve Him in a larger-than-life way…yet I am waiting on His direction minute by minute, day by day and guess what? Waiting, in this respect, is an active verb! He’s keeping me right here, studying His word, seeking His face and giving me quiet time to spend with Him. He has equipped my heart with a constant burning passion to write and engulfed my mind with His commission. So I continue to ready myself according to His guidance. Yet He causes me to prioritize sweet time with Him and to simply write about Him. I have scripture verses and notes tucked everywhere on subjects the Lord has placed on my heart to share. I certainly don’t want to postpone the race. I don’t want to cancel the race. I don’t even want to take a break and let someone else take my place in this awkward and strained-looking stance. For this I know. He likes me in this readied, yielding-yet-waiting-on-Him stance. As I wait in this position on the track, my focus is entirely on Him and on His calling in my life...yes, on His instruction which He gives to me each and every day. So you will find me on my knee, leaning forward and yes, at times I do want to scream…
“…HERE AM I, SEND ME!” ~Isahia 6:8
…but He quietly causes me to be still and listen as He holds me steady. The miraculous thing is that I never tire of the position He’s holding me in and I never fall as long as my focus is entirely on Him. My strength no longer falters and my mind no longer wanders in spite of waiting for the gun to fire so I can run His race. For I know God has me right where He wants me. And as to my previously mentioned narrow speculation, seeing only a “tidy procrastinating mess,” well, He is causing me to realize that He, indeed, is humbling me and using me this very minute to simply write about Him, His undying love and the strength only He can provide. So as I burn with desire to serve my risen Savior in a bigger way, I will remain steadfast as I continually say “yes” to Him on bended knee and lean forward into Him…
“I press on toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 3:14
…willing, waiting and writing while He holds me.
Captured in His reflection,